I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am midnight drunk by noon
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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