How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
