Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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