someone threw a dead crab at me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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