where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
