just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
