I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
