I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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