Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
