I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
