there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
