i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
