im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
