I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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