listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
