Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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