Screwed.edu
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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