okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh god it's open bar.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
