Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
