ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Randomize
