I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
