ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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