I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.