I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
