if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
