OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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