I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
COCAINE IS GR8
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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