Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
