Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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