WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
