Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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