I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
