I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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