If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
