Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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