She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He? As in you personified your dick?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
