I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
