My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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