So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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