You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
