So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
they're like a gay fantastic four
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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