I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
