just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
