Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
