umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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