Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
