YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
