Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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