I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
