Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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