i need an iv and a liver transplant
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
