sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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