Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
