Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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